{"id":2181989,"date":"2025-07-11T16:29:17","date_gmt":"2025-07-11T23:29:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/?p=2181989"},"modified":"2025-07-14T07:09:41","modified_gmt":"2025-07-14T14:09:41","slug":"how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Things NOT to Say When Your Kid Starts Talking Back"},"content":{"rendered":"

When kids hit the older elementary and tween years, they\u2019ve usually mastered some of the skills<\/a> you dreamed about when they were toddlers: dressing themselves, picking up their gear, and making their own lunches (yesss!). And that’s when it starts\u2014the talking back. You know, the mumbling under the breath or the angry swearing<\/a>. Whatever it may be, as parents, it\u2019s our job to deal with the sassy attitude and move things along. It\u2019s easy to opt for \u201cbecause I said so\u201d or \u201cyou\u2019re being ridiculous\u201d when you don\u2019t feel like explaining yourself, but that\u2019s not going to help your case. If anything, it might make it worse.<\/p>\n

With that in mind, we asked therapists to offer their thoughts on how parents should deal with kids talking back. In hopes of ensuring everyone emerges from this stage of parenting with their nerves intact, here are six phrases to avoid using with a kid who backtalks (and what to say instead).<\/p>\n

1. \u201cBecause I said so..\u201d<\/h3>\n

We\u2019ve all heard this before, even from our own parents at one point or another. Sometimes it\u2019s easier to use this phrase because it puts a dead end to the conversation. However, it doesn\u2019t provide any reason or clarification for why you gave the instruction you did.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis approach completely disregards and invalidates your teens’ feelings about the situation which will only escalate their frustrations more. Giving them a reason for why you are saying no and then also opening the door for further communication about the issue will give your child the opportunity to feel heard and to express their feelings,\u201d says Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-S, a therapist at LifeStance Health<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say, for example, you don\u2019t want your teen to go out with friends who might not be a positive influence. Instead of saying \u201cBecause I said so,\u201d you may want to say something along the lines of \u201cI\u2019m not sure I\u2019m comfortable with you going out with this group of friends. Can we talk about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

2. \u201cYou can\u2019t talk to me like that.\u201d<\/h3>\n

This might be a knee-jerk response when your kiddo comes at you with attitude or starts talking back, but you want to try your best to avoid saying this. \u201cWhen you acknowledge your teen\u2019s frustration or anger, they will feel heard and, hopefully, this will help to notch down the intensity of their emotion. It\u2019s also important to set a boundary with them so they know the expectation is that they approach you respectfully. Don\u2019t forget that when you show them respect, they\u2019ll reflect it back to you,\u201d says Leanza.<\/p>\n

For example, instead of saying, \u201cYou can\u2019t talk to me like that\u201d try to say something like \u201cI can see that you are angry, but I need you to talk to me in a respectful way.\u201d<\/p>\n

3. \u201cYou\u2019re being ridiculous.\u201d<\/h3>\n

Just because your child is saying something that seems trivial, it\u2019s important to remember that their current experience and feelings are very real to them. \u201cThis response can make a child feel ashamed or embarrassed for expressing their emotions, so it is crucial that they receive validation even if their behaviors don’t agree with yours,\u201d says Carly Kaufman, MPH, M.Ed, board-certified functional medicine health coach and co-founder of GRYT<\/a>. Instead, try understanding their perspectives and find solutions together.<\/p>\n

A more helpful alternative would be to say something like, \u201cLet’s talk about ways we can work together to find a solution.” According to Kaufman, this response shows your willingness to listen and collaborate toward finding a solution while still setting boundaries and expectations.<\/p>\n

4. \u201cYou are my child.\u201d<\/h3>\n

This is one of the last things a kid or tween wants to hear when they are frustrated with their parents. \u201cResponding with \u2018I am your parent, you are my child\u2019 can create an unhealthy power dynamic between parent and child that leads to them feeling powerless. Instead of adopting such an approach, try explaining your reasoning while acknowledging their perspective as much as possible,\u201d says Kaufman.<\/p>\n

A more helpful statement might include, “I understand your viewpoint, but this issue cannot be discussed further.” Kaufman says this phrase acknowledges your child’s thoughts while maintaining boundaries<\/a> and expectations between you both.<\/p>\n

5. \u201cYou\u2019re too young to understand.\u201d<\/h3>\n

Reena B. Patel<\/a>, a positive psychologist, and licensed educational board-certified behavior analyst, says that this statement can come across as dismissive and condescending to children with a sassy attitude or sassy teenagers, dissuading them from further interactions with you in future discussions.<\/p>\n

A more helpful statement would be more along the lines of “What would be an equitable solution to this situation?” \u201cThis statement helps children solve problems while taking responsibility for their actions while encouraging cooperation and compromise,\u201d says Patel.<\/p>\n

6. \u201cWhatever.\u201d<\/h3>\n

As an adult, you have the tools to communicate more effectively than saying \u201cwhatever.\u201d \u201cRespond to the emotion, not the verbal content. Responding to the anger and frustration behind the words addresses the core feeling and will help you to calm yourself down before you respond,\u201d says Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW and founder of Suffolk DBT<\/a>.<\/p>\n

A more helpful response would be, “I hear that you’re angry. I’m here for you and will always love you. When you’re ready, let’s talk about what’s upsetting you.” According to Lorandini, this shows them you are in control of your emotions, you are a safe space, and you are there to listen when they calm down<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Related:\u00a0How to Help Kids Express Their Feelings At Every Age<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here’s how to emerge from this stage of parenting with your nerves intact.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":187728396,"featured_media":2210291,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"tags":[],"city":[551419385],"ml_tag_age":[700852499],"ml_tag_interest":[700855531,700855683,700861213,700852672,700857231],"ml_tag_season":[700852448],"ml_tag_holiday":[700852449],"class_list":["post-2181989","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ages-and-stages","category-parenting","category-tweens-and-teens","city-national","ml_tag_age-adults","ml_tag_interest-feel-ashamed","ml_tag_interest-feel-heard","ml_tag_interest-health-counselor","ml_tag_interest-how-to","ml_tag_interest-safe-space","ml_tag_season-all-seasons","ml_tag_holiday-non-holiday"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Handle a Child Who Starts Talking Back - Tinybeans<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are six phrases to avoid using when dealing with a child who is talking back and helpful things to say instead.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"6 Things NOT to Say When Your Kid Starts Talking Back\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Here are six phrases to avoid using when dealing with a child who is talking back and helpful things to say instead.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Tinybeans\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/tinybeanskids\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-07-11T23:29:17+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-07-14T14:09:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/girl-talking-back-to-father-2.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2048\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1150\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Casey Clark\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@tinybeanskids\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@tinybeanskids\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Casey Clark\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Casey Clark\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/#\/schema\/person\/1d9bb65f1beac2bfa6b538c7028c2147\"},\"headline\":\"6 Things NOT to Say When Your Kid Starts Talking Back\",\"datePublished\":\"2025-07-11T23:29:17+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-07-14T14:09:41+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\"},\"wordCount\":946,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/#organization\"},\"articleSection\":[\"Ages & Stages\",\"Parenting\",\"Tweens & Teens\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/tinybeans.com\/how-to-handle-a-child-that-is-talking-back\/\",\"name\":\"How to Handle a Child Who Starts Talking Back - 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